when is daddy comin' home/revision « Thread Started on Oct 21, 2009, 9:55am »
Hey all, here is a revision. Any other feedback would be great. Thanks for your time. Dave
When is daddy comin' home
V1 Honey, how are you? Can you talk for very long? I know your needing my support, but I'm not feeling all that strong.
The other night our little girl came and sat down by my side, And it just broke my heart, the way our baby cried.
chorus She said momma can you tell me, when is Daddy coming home Can't they fight that war without him, so we are not left here alone? I miss his hugs, I miss his smile, and the things we used to do, And by the way you cry at night, I know you miss him too.
V2 She said every time I see our flag, I know its flying for my Dad. And although it makes me proud of him, it also makes me sad.
I'm so proud of him, but yet I worry so, Because there are so many daddies, who never make it home.
chorus She said momma can you tell me, when is Daddy coming home Can't they fight that war without him, so we are not left here alone? I miss his voice, I miss his smile, and the things we used to do, And by the way you cry at night, I know you miss him too.
bridge She made a batch of brownies, with something special just for you, There sprinkled with little teardrops, from the heartache we go through.
Teardrops from home, we're sending them to you, So you can touch us both, and have a part of us there too.
chorus She said momma can you tell me, when is Daddy coming home Can't they fight that war without him, so we are not left here alone? I miss his voice, I miss his smile, and the things we used to do, And by the way you cry at night, I know you miss him too.
Joined: Oct 2008 Gender: Male Posts: 216 Location: Yelm, Washington
Re: Tear Drops From Home « Reply #1 on Oct 21, 2009, 11:04am »
Hey Dave... Good start! tempo may determine if it's too long.. but initially, doesn't seem so. I'm not a lyricist.. but I think you need to get your Song Title more ingrained in the song.. maybe ... "And by way you cry at night, your teardrops from home"... or similar.. Or.. add a Bridge and make sure it's in there.
I picked up Robin Fredericks book "126 Shortcuts To Hit Songwriting" and highly recommend it.. It has been very helpful to me and I mostly write instrumentals!! best of luck, Marlin
Joined: Sept 2009 Gender: Male Posts: 15 Location: Melbourne, Australia
Re: Tear Drops From Home « Reply #2 on Oct 21, 2009, 3:23pm »
It's a bit difficult for me to judge the length of the lyircs without hearing the song in audio but on reading them they are very clear so I think it would be a good length.
I think it's a very good lyric. So I'm presuming the mother in the song was on the phone singing to the husband. This is very different from most past songs on the topic because communications are so much more available now. You could exemplify this aspect further. Actually the chorus conflicts a little in that I presume the daughter of the song would possibly be able to speak to her daddy on the phone and possibly with video link up too. Of couse this isn't the same as having her daddy at home but this fact would exemplify the situation very well.
Re: Tear Drops From Home « Reply #3 on Oct 22, 2009, 8:42pm »
Thank you guys for the feedback, Marlin; mabey I should go back to the original title, "when is daddy comin home"? that was the original but I changed it after I wrote it thinking teardrops was more appealing. I am afraid if add a bridge the length nay be way to long, any thoughts?
whatsoname; good point, I will see about changing around a few words, such "as I miss his voice" and a couple others. good catch there, thank you. Dave
Joined: Oct 2008 Gender: Male Posts: 216 Location: Yelm, Washington
Re: Tear Drops From Home « Reply #4 on Oct 23, 2009, 11:22am »
I would either change the title or get the current title into the chorus... bridge is usually 8 bars and is optional.. I tend to use the bridge to peak the song in some way, by varying the melody and its' rhythm (or a twist or reveal in the lyric) and/or the backing music (rhythm, dynamics, chord progression). But who am I to tell you what to do!! (I just counted my country forwards... 0!!! ) HTH! Marlin
Joined: May 2009 Gender: Male Posts: 88 Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Re: Tear Drops From Home « Reply #6 on Oct 24, 2009, 2:43pm »
Dave,
Another powerful lyric. I really like your conversational style and your rhymes.
Here are some thoughts:
I would go with "When Is Daddy Coming Home" as the tile/hook because it's a good hook and it sums up the lyric. Also, it you're aiming for a commercial market, I believe that the "rule" is to repeat the hook often in the lyric.
"Teardrops from Home" could be a good title/hook, but I believe you would need to use it much more often.
I notice the lines about the teardrops have a different rhyme scheme from the first two verses. You might consider making those lines the bridge. This would require different music than what you would do for the verses, but you would not need to change the words.
Finally, I would delete the last two lines and instead repeat the chorus (immediately after the bridge). It's not that those two lines are bad. It's just that you already have plenty of good lines, and the last two lines, to me, slightly change the focus of the song. To me the focus of the song is that the girl misses her dad and wants him home. The last two lines introduce a new thought -- that her Dad should be safe while he's gone.
Re: Tear Drops From Home « Reply #7 on Oct 25, 2009, 9:00pm »
Walt,
Thanks for the feedback. I think your right on the title and the last lines. I added them because my wife said it needed a line to get them off the phone, I did not agree with her, but you know how it is, since I'm married I'm used to doing what I'm told.
Joined: May 2009 Gender: Male Posts: 88 Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Re: when is daddy comin' home/revision « Reply #8 on Nov 5, 2009, 4:57pm »
Dave,
Your revision looks good. Here are some items I missed in Verse 2.
In line 1, its should be spelled it's (for it is flying).
Line 2 and line 3 both have proud of him. I try to avoid repeating words so close together unless the words are the hook. I would try to change one of those lines. Also, I worry so doesn't sound like contemporary conversation especially for a little girl. How about something like:
I know he's doing what's right, but I worry all the time. Because there are so many daddies, who never make it home.
Finally, this is not a requirement, but I thought it would be good to end the song with a tag that repeats the hook. It could be spoken as the music fades out.
Darling, I wish I knew the answer -- when is daddy comin' home.
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